the weekend has arrived…

like finally!

Summary of this week:

i love my new unit- MP command where i am deployed at both DB and Kranji Medical Centre! currently on understudy and some days i have to stay overnight which i dont really mind. being a duty medic is quite sian bcos there’ s really a lot to be done! i am gettting more pro with medicine now: clarythromycin, amoxycyin, tetracycline, chlorophenylamine, ponstan, augmentin, doxycycline etc

been selected to train as an MOPA for now. needless to say, there’s a whole lot of shit to do: reading the doc’s handwriting, type fast, familiar with system and be fast with everything! ahhh seeing Soong process patients i get freaked out too. GASP.

met a lot of new friends and old ones too! Fahmy for eg is a great guy. today we took the train home tgt and he talked to me abt the detainees. i like the way he handles them despite some higher ups disagreeing with his method. oh well, if i were him i wld do the exact same!

i am officially getting fatter. i am actually eating mooncake as i blog. double yolk please! wtf, someone please stop me can? arghh. tmr i am going to swim like a zillion laps and head down to beach road to settle my formation and vocation badges so i can officially declare a new family member of MP Command. whee. speaking of which, xavier and i have been having lots of fun talking crap and working togt. thank god for xavier!!

MEDIC !

first i managed to down pes to pending C9L9 thks to my new MO. finally i got a referral to a chest specialist and finally i got some broncho dilators to help me out in the mean time.

second DB is so small everyone knows almost everyone and everyone is like a one big family

third the inmates arent that all bad. mostly AWOL blah blah common offences

fourth i am inspired to do pharmacology in university thks to the wonder drugs i see in the dispensary

fifth i met an emergency medic on the train today. he talked to me on his life as an scdf and how he cld not take it esp when pple jumped to their deaths etc he is now a private emergency medic. is that a sign? am i to help pple in this way? we shall see. i am leaning towards a degree in pharmacology with the prospect of developing new drugs to help the world.

see my facebook for P036 graduation photos!

sometimes when things dont go your way, you just gotta suck it up. suck it up and move. and thats what i will do.

Barrack orderly on a weekend…

we are technically done with our BMC (basic medic course) ! i am happy and sad. happy cause its over! sad cause we will be seperated again! new unit, new friends, new tasks, greater responsibilities!

posted to MP Command with Xavier and Ivan whom were coincidentally my barrack orderly buddies yesterday. i am actually ok with doing barrack orderly yesterday. i figured even if i were to stay home, i wld be doing practically nothing! but its been fun with xavier. i think over 2 nights we said ‘mai tu liao’ for a million times. glad we got posted to the same unit. he’s one great guy, good listening ear. i ended up telling him about my life last night. cold rainy lonely day where we had to do duty. haha. we decided to watch ‘the eye 2′ and scare ourselves. it worked for awhile before it got boring haha.

realized we live damn near each other. we cabbed to his house this morning and i walked back home using the bridge i used back when i was in ftpss. passing by that school really brings back great memories. i cant hide the fact that i miss secondary school A WHOLE DAMN LOT. and i mean it. those fun times- lessons, friends, teachers, CCA, everything about ftpss i miss.

now here i am alone at home, typing this entry listening to music. what shld i do today. hmmm i have not decided yet.

thank god liverpool won (:

The Man Who Can’t Be Moved..

this song is the perfect song for me now. sorry for the emo or whatever you call type of posts recently. i will be back to normal posts later.

The Script

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag. I’m not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don’t understand,
I’m not… broke I’m just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I’ve been in love with you…

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you’d come back here to the place that we’d meet,
And you’d see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

Policeman says son you can’t stay here,
I said there’s someone I’m waiting for if it’s a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you’d come back here to the place that we’d meet,
And you’d see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

People talk about the guy
Whos waiting on a girl…
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world…
Hmmmm

Maybe I’ll get famous as man who can’t be moved,
And maybe you won’t mean to but you’ll see me on the news,
And you’ll come running to the corner…
Cos you’ll know it’s just for you

I’m the man who can’t be moved
I’m the man who can’t be moved…

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you’d come back here to the place that we’d meet,
And you’d see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

I’m not moving…
I’m not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I’m not gonna move.

denial

i lied to my family that i was held up in camp and missed my family dinner (where dad was to leave the next day for the States. SORRY DAD) so i could rush to plaza singapura to get your gift but you didnt have the time the next day.

i almost sold my barrack orderly tomorrow for $50 and a pack of cigarettes so i could somehow pass you your belated presents tomorrow but you didnt have time.

koi suddenly told me something, that was supposed to hurt me, just last night. he said i wasnt given the respect for all the stuff i have done for her. why wld i bother buying her stuff she likes when she didnt even wanna meet me. he said she was being insincere and pushing me away cold bloodedly. somehow i didnt feel anything when he said all those stuff. is it because i cant accept that she is like that? or is it because i know she isnt like that?

i have totally no idea. maybe its fated i have to live my life like this. maybe a horrible creature like me is meant to have a life like that. i dont know. and i hope not.  sometimes i just feel like pouring out my feelings to her. but i know it will scare her and soon our friendship too will be destroyed. i am contemplating if i shld do that. confess and scare and end off with a bang.

ultimately, wherever she is, whatever she is doing, whoever she is with, i just want her to be happy for she has one of the most beautiful smile in the world. and i am not trying to be cheesy. i am saying this from the bottom of my heart. though i know we may not be together, i know my feelings for her are true and i am really willing to wait. its a risk i have been taking all these years. i made a wrong decision 4 years ago. it seemed like i moved on. perhaps xy was too friendly with me. i got caught in confusion, went for her for awhile before realising its a stupid mistake. i was mean, hoping xy wld be a good substitute but i really dont know what went into my head. what was i thinking? its easy to create an impression and its easy to kill one. it just takes one misunderstanding to blow it all away.

all i can say now, though its of not much use, is that while i went for xy, you was constantly on my mind. i was trying and trying with no response of how i was doing. was i successful? so on my part, i apologise for the xy incident. i really regret that dreadful moment of thinking of chasing xy when i know i had 0 feelings for her. sorry xy and sorry to you too.

i lived in fear of you finding out i went after xy after i stopped getting closer to her. i was thinking of my next move and i decided to think more after my olevels since i promised to wait. but whatever happened next in sec4 was a big blow. i knew it was a punishment for what i did to you and xy. the supposed breaking of my promise. thus i had to make the painful option of letting you go and encouraging sung instead. i was ready to accept the 2 of u tgt but i wasnt ready for what celine had to tell me that day. i am sorry.

i keep harping on the past not because of any reason but for the very fact that i love you. right from the moment i saw you in sec 1 i knew you are the girl i would be waiting for a long time coming. 3 years on, my feelings for you are still the same. i am sure your feelings for me are no longer the same.

i feel sad sometimes especially when i am missing you. i wonder if you are fine, are your new friends good to you. i am glad they are. i miss our fun times in secondary school. i am sure if i say this your reply wld be- those are the past, move on. but i am stubborn. its ok for me to keep hurting over you cause its my love for you that overwhelms it all. i am just glad you are happy wherever you are celebrating right now.

happy belated 19th birthday.

back to reallity and barrack orderly. hey it rhymes! whatever justin, still have mood to joke.

Now that we’re done ..

i am now sick. i know i am going to get a fever soon.

Now that we’re done – MetroStation

She’s just a friend, you see
You always agree
You know I lie but you still trust me
And you believed in so much hope
But I’m the one who let you go

Now that we’re done, I’m so sorry
Why did I lie, I’m so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you

You still call my phone
‘Cause you still want me
I’ll tell my friends you’re so annoying
You’ll cry and curse when you’re alone
But laugh and flirt when we’re on the phone

Now that we’re done, I’m so sorry
Why did I lie, I’m so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you

Now I see you with him
It was nothing like I thought it’d be
I’ll break down
For you

Now that we’re done, I’m so sorry
Why did I lie, I’m so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you

Now that we’re done, I’m so sorry
Why did I lie, I’m so sorry
I know I hurt you
I know I hurt you

stay home saturday ..

don’t be sad justin, life’s like that.

stay home saturday for me. watched Chuck season 1 again, this time with my sister. enjoyable actually. its a brilliant series ! a must watch. other than that, i have been listening to sad songs, sulking on my bad luck. bad timing i guess. i cant help it if she’s too busy. don’t worry justin,  its a small matter. the presents will end up with her eventually. one day. just be patient.

whatever.

what is IV

here is the final product of a complete IV with a 16G needle.

anyway after 7 weeks in BMc, i realised i have learnt quite a number of skills. they are basic enough to save lives and i am thankful for being a medic. yes, those needles hurt but still, when someone needs to be saved, who cares about the pain from the poke of the needle man. 2 more weeks to end of course. i cant wait for it to end. lets see where i will be posted to. haha.

at times, i really feel that you really detest me. or that i am a really bad guy who did really bad stuff in the past. i am waiting patiently for an opening. i really wanna ask you out but is it too much? is it too obvious? i dont know, only you know. i miss you.

move on? easier said then done

if you hate stuff that sound damn emo, then er dun bother reading this post.

its been 7 years and i believe i still love her. i let slip in sec 3 and i have been paying for my tough luck. while most have told me to move on, i believed i have not. its not that i dont wanna try to move on. believe me, i have tried my best but i end up missing and thinking of the same girl. 3 times i thought i really found someone else and all 3 times i was wrong. and i end up being an asshole. so now, enough is enough. i am tired of trying to move on. i am tired of cheating myself. and i am tired of pretending. since i have waited 7 years, why not wait longer.

its against my conscience to chase her while she’s still with him. though far apart they may be, i still cant. i cant pull myself to do such a hideous thing as to chase her. i guess i can only be her friend, a good friend. but how to when i sometimes feel that she’s drawing a big fat line between how much i can care for her. how often shld i sms her? i am sure she will find it annoying at some point of time. how often shld i ask her out? twice a week? once a month? all i know is that i fear she may be too busy for an ordinary friend like me.

we met for lunch yesterday. she’s still the same girl i chased, the same girl i knew and the same girl i love. believe me when i say that i have never felt that happy for a long time. its been a long time since we met. i missed those chasing times. those times when i wld tease her. those times when i cld make her laugh out loud. and i did those stuff yesterday. its just so nice to see her smile again. i miss her smile.

at times, i really had the urge to just give her a big warm hug, a hug i shld have given her a long time ago. but i know i shldnt. i tried my best to mask whatever feelings i have for her yesterday. i tried to act like machiam i am meeting an old classmate. i hope it worked.

its back to reality tmr. BMC resumes, i am in camp, she starts uni. i will be forgotten if i dont keep in contact with her. i know that, everyone knows that. sometimes i wonder how i can pass each day. all i have left to motivate me to pass each long day is a picture of the two of us. a picture of 2 old secondary classmates.